Nearly twenty five years ago, God’s undeserved grace and mercy stared up at my face in the form of a precious little baby girl. When I first held her in my arms, I was in awe and full of emotion. Even though she looked so very much like her father, I knew my DNA was in there! As a child who was adopted as a baby, seeing a “family resemblance” was something I had never experienced. Staring at her, I was reminded of another adoption: my entrance into His kingdom as a teenager. He had adopted me to be His child, and now, by His grace, I was beginning to bear His “family resemblance.” I had fallen deeply in love with my Savior, and I desired for this precious child of ours to do the same: to bear Jesus’ resemblance.
We were overwhelmed not only with joy, but with a foreboding sense of responsibility. How could we ensure that our children turned out well? What rules should we follow? Was there a parenting “formula” that had been proven?
As a growing family with a daughter – and the two sons who soon followed – we asked questions, read books, and received so much information about parenting from godly friends that we could not possibly have remembered it all. But nevertheless, we continued to ask. After all, although we were both involved in ministry, neither one of us had experienced a Christian upbringing. Although our childhoods had been delightful ones, we had little knowledge of raising a child in the faith. Instead of becoming more enlightened from the advice we received, however, we became more confused. The “formulas” were all so different; the lines drawn varied surprisingly from family to family. Banning all TV, movies, and negative media was critical to some families, but didn’t seem to matter as much to others. Keeping children sheltered from negative influences produced godly children in one family, but rebellious children in the next. We continued to ask for guidance and suggestions, of course, but we decided to focus more on our own personal relationships with the Lord than anything. We had to – we were totally inadequate without Him for this thing called parenting!
So we stopped asking for opinions on “hot topics,” as we called them, mostly because the answers varied so much. In many cases it was easier to just not talk about them because of the conflicts they sometimes created. What were these “hot topics?” Halloween and trick-or-treating… Christmas and Santa… television and movies… association with other children that were not so “like-minded”… youth group… church activities…working vs. stay-at-home moms… and family devotions. These subjects instantly brought passionate responses from parents, sometimes in the form of judgment and even anger.
No issue, though, brought forth such intense fervor and passion as the subject of schooling.
Towards the end of our daughter’s eighth grade year at a local Christian school, we faced another big decision about this very issue. Our little baby girl had become a tall and tender, delightful young lady. Would we homeschool her, put her in the public high school, or enroll her at the local Christian school? We were open to whatever the Lord had for us, and we dedicated a long period of time to prayer, coming together often as a family with discussion on how the Lord was leading. Several factors were of critical importance to us, including time spent together as a family, and time for teaching our children and discussing problems and their godly solutions. We prayed, we discussed, and we fasted. It was unanimous: we all felt strongly that He wanted not only our daughter, but our entire family, involved at the local public high school.
Several weeks later, we had the privilege of attending the homeschool high school graduation of many of our friends’ children. The ceremony was precious. Parents were each able to speak about their children as the diploma was presented, and most gave God the glory for their children’s ‘successes.’ However, towards the end of the program one father, a friend of ours, stood up and said he praised the Lord that his children weren’t subjected to the ungodliness and “wild animal” mentality of “those public school kids.” He talked about how important homeschooling was in producing godly children, and to a smattering of enthusiastic applause, told his audience that children in public schools most often turned out to be rebellious, ungodly adults. His attitude was contagious. After his speech, several more parents made mention of this.
At the reception, a few parents made additional comments about our decision to put our children in a public school. They said: “But God isn’t allowed at the public school! Your kids will fall away from the faith! No one will teach them there about God! I’m really surprised you’ve made that decision seeing how close all your family is with each other.” By the end of the evening my heart felt like a dozen arrows had pierced it, and soon it began to fill with resentment and indignation. I began to defend our decision with sarcastic replies from a pride-filled heart (mentioned only to my mirror). Before, I had prayerfully and enthusiastically supported my friends who chose homeschooling or the Christian school for their children’s high school education, while still feeling great excitement for how He was leading us, and how He was going to work in us and through us. But now I began to question His leading. Soon, I had a brick wall starting to build up around my heart, and I was ready to charge in with scriptural truths for anyone who dared send another arrow my way.
Ahhh, pride goeth before the fall.
Less than four days after my prideful pity party, I stood in a group of Christian friends – all whom had children in the public school system – and listened as they poked fun at homeschooled children. A few of the comments were: “They dress funny! They are socially soo far behind! Do they really think their parents can teach them to the point of getting them into college?” I left the group angry, but without making a comment about their gossipy, ungodly words, therefore leaving them with the impression that I just might support them. As I drove home, I remembered reading somewhere, “When the enemy can’t shoot the church down from the outside, he’ll try to make it crumble within.” I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my brothers and sisters in Christ. And I acknowledged that I was as much a part of the problem right then as they were. I had formed my ungodly opinions that past week about a schooling choice based on some hurtful and unkind comments.
Over the next several years, especially during the time of the Columbine incident, I heard comment after comment from Christian brothers and sisters, all shooting arrows at each other and their choice of schooling. Surprisingly, I even heard parents begin making negative comments about those choosing the same method they had because they were doing it differently! One homeschool mom told me she was often tempted to verbalize that children who had been homeschooled “all the way through from K through 12th” – like hers – were somehow more righteous than those who had attended public or private schools for a few years. She judged other homeschoolers based on the curriculum they chose, and how well their children behaved at public functions. Another confessed to me that she had been tempted to feel disappointment whenever her homeschool friends decided to enroll their children in a public or private school. It was like they were running a race, she said, and they “didn’t quite make it across the finish line…they quit and gave up too soon.” A Christian school mom admitted she felt like homeschoolers were “missing the best education they could have received,” and a public school single mom shared with me that she struggled with being defensive and judgmental with her words because of the hurtful comments made to her regarding her choices. More recently, a mom let me know that she knew a few people who secretly desired to see public school children like mine ‘fail.’ When I incredulously asked why, she said, “Your kids all went through a public high school, you all stayed incredibly close as a family, and your kids love the Lord and are honoring Him……They weren’t supposed to turn out that way!”
Church, what has happened to us?! When has relying on formulas – instead of relying wholly on the Lord – ever glorified Him?
The scriptures are filled with admonitions on how we are to treat our children, our wives, and our husbands. We are to cherish, honor, respect. We are to humbly and selflessly serve. We are to elevate the covenant of marriage and nurture the family. We are to seek to be good and godly parents. But why do we do all these things? Why do we seek to obey these admonitions, whether it be as a wife, or a husband, or as parents in the pursuit of raising and teaching godly children? Is it so that we can be happy and close as a family, feel joy, obtain peace, get rid of sadness, and have well-behaved children that make good decisions, and make us proud as parents? Those are all desirable goals, to be sure. But is there something wrong with having any of those as our chief goal? Yes!
The Lord tells us in Isaiah 43:7 that everyone who is called by His name is created for His glory. Our central purpose, our highest calling, our utmost goal, therefore, should always be to glorify God.
David writes in Psalm 37, “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.” Paul fervently lets us know in Romans 9 that it “does not, therefore, depend on man’s desire or effort, but on God’s mercy.” The writer of Hebrews admonishes us in 12:2 to “fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” It’s Him. All Him. And because it is all Him, He can sovereignly accomplish His perfect purpose in and through any circumstance and condition He ordains – including the stumbling and falling of our children. We need only keep our eyes on Him, obeying and praising Him in all things.
Saints, let us be careful with our words and how we speak to and about one another, remembering that whatever our decisions are, we are one in our common love for the Lord. If we speak negatively about how another family chooses to school their children it will divide the body, putting the emphasis on the schooling and methods, rather than on the parents’ involvement and humble, utter dependence on the LORD. It is like throwing a rock into a lake, disturbing that beautiful reflection and “family resemblance” to our Heavenly Father that exists when we are wholly dependent on Him. These negative comments not only affect our personal relationship with God, they will adversely affect our children’s faith with Him, as well.
Should we still discuss our schooling options with our brothers and sisters in Christ if we are asked? Absolutely, but with a humble heart. As Jerry Bridges writes,
Humility is the proper attitude with which to approach all these relationships and circumstances. Like love, it defies adequate definition…[and] is akin to the fear of God: It begins with a high view of God’s person. As we see God in His majesty, awesomeness, and holiness, we are humbled before Him.
As it says in His word:
“This is what the Lord says: “Heaven is my throne and the earth is my footstool. Where is the house you will build for me? Where will my resting place be? Has not my hand made all these things, and so they came into being?” declares the Lord. “This is the one I esteem; he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word.” Isaiah 66:1-2
“Clothe yourself in humility towards one another.” 1 Peter 5:5
“Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:10
Would I recommend public schooling to everyone? No. Was our public high school experience a positive one? Most definitely! God blessed and worked in us and through us in ways we couldn’t possibly have imagined! He knew all along what He wanted to accomplish through our family – for His glory, not ours.
He is good, isn’t He?!
Note: Barb and her husband have raised three of the most awesome kids you would ever want to meet, including that "precious little baby girl" of the first sentence who is today a precious young wife. I had the privilege of marrying her to her handsome and devout husband after their lengthy courtship – ooh, another hot topic! – Pastor Dale