10 Reasons Your Kids Need Love and Discipline

Dear Parent:

I see it a lot: at the grocery store, in airports, even at church. Parents pleading, cajoling and bullying their children into obedience. “I’m going to count to three…” Or, “How many times do I have to tell you to stop (undesirable behavior)?” Or, “Mommy will buy you (shameless bribe) if you (revert to desired behavior).” Or, “Sit down and stop touching (stuff in the checkout lane; sibling; everything)!”

Wouldn’t it be great if you could count on all your children or teens to obey you immediately, and to do so happily? This is a worthy goal, and within reach whether we’re talking about your toddler and the stuff on grandma’s curio cabinet, or your teenager and the keys to the car. It is important to know that you can trust your children to obey your instruction. But lest you think this goal is driven only by some maniacal, parental zeal for power, let me share some important reasons why immediate obedience - with a glad heart - is so important.

Before I do, let me note that I write not as an expert or authority. Like many of you, I am just trying to do my best as a Dad, making mistakes, and counting on God’s grace. But I have been blessed with a wonderful wife, a good upbringing, and a lot of wise counsel when Nancy and I were first starting out. As a result, I can say that we never had to give a second thought to taking our children out in public, and that our home was a place of quiet peace and raucous play, and could go from one to the other in minutes. Raising our children has been a ton of fun, and today I get a kick out of encouraging other parents. That will be my goal at our upcoming Parents Retreat, January 22-23, when we will talk a lot more about how you actually make all this happen, especially the very important part about how discipline should be applied at different ages, from toddlerhood to adolescence. (Read to the end for registration information.)

Now then, some of the reasons why it is so important that your children obey you immediately, and with a glad heart, and why this is not just a subject of interest to control freaks only! In no particular order:

1. YOUR MARRIAGE: if you’re always battling your children, or if issues in parenting are the source of frustration in the home, or (worse) a bone of contention between you and your spouse, your children will drive you and your spouse apart.

2. YOUR TESTIMONY: say what you will about the Lord’s work in your life, but when people see that your children are out of control, your testimony won’t mean much to them.

3. MINISTRY OPPORTUNITIES: if you’re up to your eyeballs in corralling children who are slow to obey, you won’t have the time or energy to serve the Lord. And that’s true whether we’re talking about baking a casserole for the neighbor that’s just home from the hospital, or if we’re talking about a move to another country to be a full-time missionary. I know pastors who have been disqualified for ministry by their children’s behavior, and I know missionary hopefuls who just couldn’t get to the field because of concerns for their teens’ attitudes. (I deserve to be in this category, but by God’s grace still am humbled to serve and am grateful for good kids.)

4. YOUR HEALTH: when a person is described as a “frazzled” or “harried” Mom or Dad, those words are chosen because parenting is having a physical effect on them. Disobedient children can make you sick – literally – because you are anxious, worried, fearful, or simply because you don’t get enough sleep!

5. YOUR CHILD’S SAFETY: I almost lost my wife in 1985. We celebrated my graduation from seminary with a trip to England. We had just arrived and were walking narrow streets in London when Nancy stepped off a curb directly in front of a double-decker bus (having looked the wrong way). I only had time to choke out the words, “Get back!” Thankfully, she recognized the stress in my voice and responded immediately, missing the bus by inches. Your children need to hear your voice amidst all the noise and respond in the same way, for their own health and welfare. This is true whether we’re talking about the way little ones behave around a pool, or the way adolescents choose their friends: their lives can be at risk if they don’t pay hear Mom and Dad above the din!

6. YOUR CHILD’S SALVATION: you can’t force your children to know and love the Lord. But so much of a good relationship with the Lord can be modeled in their relationship with Mom and Dad: their affection for loving parents; their submission to authority; their appreciation for sovereignty (first, for parental sovereignty and then God’s universal sovereignty!); their familiarity first with a loving and disciplining earthly father and then a loving and disciplining heavenly father, and more!

7. YOUR CHILD’S ATTITUDES: remember that we’re not talking here about rote obedience: not, “I’m obeying, but I don’t want to!” Any parent with leverage (like imposing size, or the financial purse strings) can bully a child into submission. Instead, we want our children to comply with glad hearts. Obedience that isn’t accompanied by a submissive heart isn’t commendable, it’s condemnable. So immediate obedience with a glad heart is critical since it addresses the child’s motives, and not his or her behavior only.

8. YOUR CHILD’S SIBLINGS: If one or more of your children are out of control, it is going to be real hard for you to parent those other kids properly. That challenging child will get more attention, much of it negative, and this is likely have a deleterious affect on brother and sister, who may swell with pride at their own perfection; or act out in order to win a bigger share of the parental pie.

9. OBEDIENCE TO SCRIPTURE: well, this should be obvious. There are so many scriptures that command us to take serious our children’s rearing, nurture, and discipline. Making sure that our children are under loving command is not an option for the believing parent.

10. HAPPINESS: I’ve met people who think that winning their child’s immediate compliance, with a glad heart, must be drudgery and a ton of hard work. It does require a strategy, the unity of Mom and Dad, and consistency. But believe me the results are soooooo worth it. As I watch parents struggle with their children I often wonder why they don’t put all that angst and tension into a concerted effort to eliminate the disobedience and rebellion in their children or teens so they can all relax and enjoy each other’s company!?

Well, I’m sure I could think of more reasons if I had more time, and some chocolate chip cookies, which seem to help me think, but I’ve got to run. We’ll talk much more about all this at our next Bear Creek Church Parenting Retreat for couples at the romantic Ashland Springs Hotel on January 22-23 (Friday night from 7-9 and Saturday from 9-2). The price is just $130 per couple ($110 for alums) and includes your overnight stay at this historic hotel, breakfast and lunch on Saturday, and the Retreat itself. Registration is limited to 12 couples. Contact Registrar Julianne at jjhulce@gmail.com.

Here is some of the written feedback I’ve received from previous Parenting Retreats:

“I really needed help with my role as a husband, an area I was neglecting in my marriage.”

“All of this has been so helpful...thanks for the encouragement.”

“There is so much to draw from in this material that will be truly helpful..”

“The material was very clear and to the point. Your examples are wonderfully helpful.”

“Being away from home was very helpful. The info we took away was also very helpful…”

“Excellent! Let’s do this more often…”

“With such a difficult subject I appreciate your lightheartedness..”

Thanks for your time. As always, I enjoy hearing your feedback.

Your partner in parenting, Pastor Dale